Vongola: Home for the Crazies
by Khorale
Summary: "Whatever," Tsuna sighed, "When I wake up this is all going to be a dream. I will go to school and act like nothing has happened - my tutor isn't a baby, Yamamoto can't defy the logics of time and space, and Gokudera hadn't just gotten into my pants."
1. What made them this way?

**This is a... I don't even know what to call it. This is just the idea I randomly got when I read so much crack and parody in both the Naruto and Harry Potter universes. I had to admit, it will be really interesting to see insane!10thGen in action. I hope I wrote this well.**

**Below, I have attempted different styles of writing for the characters. I don't know if I did well or not (I still have my other stories to work on). If I don't feel this can be more than a one-shot, then I will take it down and stick it somewhere else in another story.**

**Give me your feedbacks, everyone!**

* * *

**Chapter 1: **What made them this way?

* * *

"I'll be right back," was the words Iemitsu spoke before Tsuna never saw him again.

As a toddler it didn't affect him somewhat. The naive child had believed fullheartedly at his father's words, and waited faithfully at the door each day for Iemitsu's return.

He will come back. Years and years of telling himself that it had become a mantra. Years of hurt and lonliness formed a mask that hid the real Sawada Tsunayoshi until the brunette didn't care anymore.

The world saw him as Dame Tsuna, the student who never got a single A because he never cared about anything. The cold, apathetic mask that drove everybody away from him.

Even to this day, Tsuna still had a little hope that died piece by piece each year. Slowly, he separated himself from reality and watched his life progress meaninglessly with a cool gaze. Unlike most masks, no emotion lay beneath the shell, and even if it was, it was buried so deep that it would take years of therapy to even get a glimpse of it.

On an unrelated topic, Tsuna was very good at handling groups of people with enough power (individually) to blow up a small city.

When he was older (Many, many years in the future when he finally became Vongola Decimo), people will ask, "Why did someone like you became a mafia boss?"

And Tsuna will reply, "Because I'm the only one insane enough to handle _them_."

* * *

After years of hiding from Bianchi and her poison cooking, Gokudera Hayato had one of his skills to perfection:

The ability to hide.

Oh sure, laugh if you want. But Gokudera really took Hiding to a whole new level. He can fit himself into any crevice, no matter how thin. He could stand in a room with nobody noticing his presence. He could break into a high-security prison and come out of it in an hour with no trace of him ever being there.

That's how good he was.

With his genius intellect, Gokudera can be very creative. In his childhood, he pulled pranks - lots of them. Ranging from spiking people's drinks (paticularly Shamal's) to stringing people naked at the top of the mansion (Nobody knew how he got them there). In the end, he was declared unfit to be the next head of the family, and his father proceed to find a new son.

It hurt to be ignored like this, so Gokudera pulled more pranks for attention.

Finally when he had gone too far (He photoshopped his father with the photo of another woman. It is safe to say that the red handprint on Senior Gokudera's face wasn't fading any time soon), he was kicked out of the house with a wad of cash and a ticket to Japan,.

He was sixteen years old when that happened.

* * *

Yamamoto Takeshi was a fairly quiet child.

He was his parent's pride and joy. With his chubby cheeks and round, amber eyes with silky black hair, he attracted many ladies cooing over him as a child.

It was not as if he was _dumb_ or anything, but Yamamoto was always so freakishly _oblivious_ that bordered on being unnatural.

He could always find some alternative reason to explain something, and most of them being so far-fetched that nobody believed him.

Growing up, he declared baseball as the King of all sports and then proceed to join a team. Problem is, he is terrible at anything else, so nobody wanted him on their team.

Imagine their surprise when Yamamoto managed to propel himself to victory and participated in three national tornaments, and managed to _win_ them.

It was nothing short of amazing, and he soon became popular.

In the corner of his eyes, Yamamoto always noticed a single child that stood out from the crowd, neither cheering nor looking at him in awe. The person merely watched with a critical eye and said nothing.

Hm... Maybe Tsunayoshi-san was an alien sent to Earth to observe him?

* * *

Pain.

That was the constant feeling from his childhood. The sight of white rooms and needles and wires and knives... it sickened him.

Rokudo Mukuro was a very... ahem, _unique_ child.

Of course, being the sole survivor of the Estraneo's experimentation, that's not much to say. After the hells and past lives and reincarnations he's gone through, Mukuro didn't even remember his own past anymore. Not when it got jumbled into the major mess that was his other lives memories.

But his very first clear memory was waking up in a cold operation table, with doctors looming above him and started prodding his eye which was feeling _very_ painful.

Mukuro had no recollection of having a pair of blue eyes, but upon looking a mirror and see his red eye - with a kanji for 'six' inside - it was unnerving.

Luckily (or unluckily, depends on who's point of view), the last two experimented children beside him had left for the peaceful place that is Heaven. The scientists had gone to dispose the bodies and hadd left the seemingly unconscious body of their last lab rat behind.

Bad choice.

When they came back, the room was no longer the way it was earlier. No, it was filled with tentacles and snarling monsters with gaping black jaws and yellow fangs dripping with venom. Lotus flowers bloomed even without water, and things straight out from nightmares clawed their way out from the floor.

The scientists didn't die. Mukuro wasn't as kind to allow them the relief of oblivion, and driving someone insane isn't something the Vindice care about, is it?

So when the cloaked men in chains dragged away the Estraneo famiglia, kicking and screaming, Mukuro was allowed to roam upon the world without hindernace.

The illusionist did request for someone to look after him (a.k.a. his slave), and Lancia didn't even know what his family was up to. So the dark-haired man was free to go also, looking after his adopted little brother in the cold mafia world.

How dramatic.

* * *

"Let me bite you to death," the words dripped sweetly from his mouth. Steely grey eyes glared at his opponents, bloodlust raging deep inside.

Hibari Kyouya developed a taste for flesh when he reached ten years old.

He was always violent, attacking people from left to right. He was the raging little hellion that couldn't be tamed, that even his parents felt fear from. Hibari's father had thought giving him something blunt, something very difficult to draw blood with, would sate his son's urge to bash someone's skull in. Appearantly, he was wrong, he only made things worse than ever.

"H-heeeeeelp!" the thug whimpered under Hibari's feet. The prefect frowned, disappointed at the reaction.

"How weak, Herbivore. You are tainting Namimori with your crowing around." With a whirl of tonfa, the crack of the skull hitting pavement, the man fell unconscious against the sidewalk.

Hibari hummed, motioning Hibird to join him.

"For not putting up a good fight, your penalty is..." Hibari paused as he lifted the man up. The unconscious thug hanged limply down and did not put up any resistance.

Hibari slid a secret compartment from his tonfas, revealing a small pocket-sized blade. He eyed the clean steel edge, frowning slightly.

"I had it washed yesterday. Now it will be wasted on the likes of you," the Cannibal spoke gravely as if the thug had offended him.

With a flash of silver, Hibari had cut off both of the man's thumbs. Blood splattered on the ground as the thug's eyes jerked open. He screamed with pain as he saw his bloodied digits. Hibari didn't do anything except for picking the thumbs up from the ground and packing it into a box to be washed later.

"You have on many accounts murdered several citizens. You think you're a carnivore, lording over them all," Hibari growled, "The next time you assume that, I will eat you whole."

There was no doubt in his voice when he said that.

* * *

Chrome knew her parents would abandon her one day.

It all started from her first beating. His father came home drunk and his mother just didn't care. They had a fight and blamed it all on her. She was six at the time and could not have done anything to affect their relationship, but nobody cared.

Nobody cared. It was always Chrome alone against the entire world. She had to fend for herself, earn her own money, sleep in the neighbour's gardens. Everything short of running away because then her parents would drag her back, back to the hell she wish she would never see again.

At a very young age, Nagi changed her name. She didn't want to be what her father want her to be - a marriage piece to obtain more money for her family. She didn't want to meet her mother's expectations as well - a meek and shy girl that obeys everyone's whims like a good little slave. Nagi - no, Chrome, will reshape her own destiny in her own hands.

Chrome was flighty, she hated to be restricted or to stay in one place for too long. That was a habit from running from the police, who often tried to catch a little thief that steals from the local mall. She also hated bonds - she couldn't stop the flash of envy whenever she sees other children with their families. Secretly, Chrome wanted one too, but years of a jaded childhood had buried that far down along with her shy personality.

She was thirteen when she met Mukuro Rokudo who was sixteen years old. The blue-haired teen was travelling through Los Angeles (her birthplace) along with Lancia when they met.

It was a very long story including a cat, a near-death situation, a car, and a hospital. Mukuro managed to save Chrome in time, but they both have some injuries to tend to such as small bruises and cuts. But after that, the two are inseparable and completely loyal to the other. Nothing can tear them apart, as if they are a single person in two bodies.

When asked about her opinion of Mukuro-nii, Chrome would calmly reply that she loved her adoptive brother like nothing else in the world, and would pity the fool that tries to harm him. When asked Mukuro about his opinion on Chrome, he would grin and reply that he would want nobody else as his sister. When asked Lancia about his opinion on the two of them, the big brother would reply, "They are like the same person, but opposite genders."

After staging her death via illusions, Chrome is free of her parents. Forever.

Now for their vacation, Japan sounds like a nice place...

* * *

There was one thing that Ryouhei loved besides Boxing, and that is matchmaking.

When asked why, Ryouhei would reply, "It's romantic to the EXTREEEEEME!"

You see, when he was young Kyoko loved watching soap operas. She watched them day and night, and soon Ryouhei became engrossed in the romanticism of it all.

Ryouhei loved the look of happiness on a couple's face, and the satisfied flutter in his heart that he helped cause it happen. He loved knowing that he did something good in the world, had caused one more face to become brightened with joy.

Sappy, I know, but he's loving it.

Still, with all his efforts there was still someone he couldn't get to break a smile.

Sawada Tsunayoshi.

Dame Tsuna's face was always so depressed, it made Ryouhei's heart ache to see how much his fellow student was bullied. But he couldn't interfere, the people who bullied Tsuna was also threatening his sister if he did anything.

So Ryouhei was kept at the sidelines, seething at his inability to help.

Kyoko was feeling worried for his brother, even though she wasn't sure what was wrong. She did notice that he was paying some attention to Tsunayoshi-kun, but shrugged it off as her brother's attempt at making friends.

Then one day Ryouhei came home, blank-faced and emotionless, headed straight upstairs up to the private confines of his room. Kyoko started to get worried, though she didn't show it.

Upstairs in his bed, Ryouhei stared blankly at the wall, trying to digest what happened that day and the information that threatened to overload his brain.

The person who prevented his friendship with Sawada-san, who threatened Kyoko, was a mass murderer and had his thumbes - Hibari had sliced his thumbs...

Ryouhei withheld the urge to puke. He didn't know whether to feel nauseous or relieved.

He finally settled for heading to sleep, hopefully devoid of any nightmares.

Tomorrow, he would find Sawada-san and be friends with him.

* * *

Lambo's afro hid lots of things.

Food, weapons, hair comb, extra horns, the ten-year bazooka, underwear... everything you could think of.

Nobody knew _how_ the little child had managed to do that, but he did. Adult Lambo retained that ability but still didn't tell - though his hair was shorter he had managed to advance his technique to hide things even in there.

The stuff he kept in there can be useful at times, like that spare nail just when the Boss needed to hammer something into the wall. He provided the hammer too.

Water balloons for a party, toothpaste for a sleepover, even a steaming pie straight from the oven (that nobody knew how it fit in there), and sometimes people as well.

There once was a hiker who claimed to be lost for fifteen years and ended up in there. He described the inside of Lambo's afro as "Dark as a cave, but bushy as a jungle". Lambo assumed that as a complement.

But the storage space that was Lambo's hair has its down-side as well. For once, many members of the Bovino famiglia believed that it was a leech that sucked away all the child's intelligence. Honestly, the kid won't _shut up._ His future self was more bearable than this, even though it sprouted nonsense such as "Vongola Decimo" and "Lightning Guardian" and "Reborn".

Finally, the Boss decided that Lambo would only be a hinderance and can't stand the high pressure of the Bovinos, and thought that the Vongola would accept him more as a family than a subordinate. They did start off as a vigilante group after all, and the Boss had no doubts that they would raise Lambo well.

Because unlike the crappy education they have over here, the Vongola is first-class.

_You better be thankful, you little brat,_ the boss grumbled mentally as he prepared the flight to Japan where he heard the Decimo is in.

* * *

**So, a Tsuna who isn't affected by anything, a Gokudera who can hide in the most impossible places, a Yamamoto whose imagination is unrivalled, a Mukuro who can use his illusions to do ANYTHING (and he has a god-complex as well, but that'll be mentioned later), an independent Chrome who's vicious as hell, a cannibal Hibari who's sadistic as well, a matchmaking Ryouhei, and Lambo who had a bottomless pit as his hair.  
**

**The only thing I could say is, "Poor Reborn."**

**He will never see it coming.  
**


	2. Time Travel via Suicide

**Hm... Did the last chapter look like a one-shot? Sorry, that was only the prologue. It was pretty grim comparing to the rest of the story, so the humor part will come soon.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: **Time-travel via suicide

* * *

Gokudera was surprised to see the Vongola Decimo (or so Reborn had said over the phone) to be such a scrawny teenager.

"Are you serious, Reborn-san?" he sneered as he stared down Sawada Tsunayoshi, someone who didn't look like a fitting mafia boss at all.

"Yes," the Acrobaleno replied calmly, "Test him and you'll see."

Hmm, there was anticipating glint in the baby's eyes. That told Gokudera to be much more wary of Tsunayoshi. The brunette just shrugged and stood there, undefended in the schoolyard.

Immediately, the bomber got out his dynamites, tossing them left and right. They exploded, sending dust and smoke everywhere. He calculated the angles so that they would trap the Decimo in the center as the dynamites went off. It wasn't enough to kill, but it could injure someone pretty badly.

Tsuna immediately whacked the bombs away with his back pack. They fell fuse-first into the dirt, and then exploded. However, the ground muffled the explosion and the backpack caught the impact. It was burnt but still held on.

"You ruined my backpack," Tsuna told him plainly.

Reborn smirked, "I'll tell him to buy you a new one after he loses."

"Oi," Gokudera growled, "I'm not down yet!"

He tossed another handful, this time he didn't held back. He scattered the explosives everywhere in the schoolyard. It would take too long for the Decimo to extinguish them all!

...His jaws dropped when Tsuna merely walked away and came back a second later with a garden hose. Doused with water, the dynamites and Gokudera were both sprayed until they dripped.

With a look of satisfaction, Tsuna put the hose back and collected the useless dynamite lying on the floor, "I win."

Gokudera bowed his head. The Vongola Decimo is worthy after all. "I will support you forever, Juudaime!"

"Who's supporting who?" a cold voice said, cutting into their conversation.

It was Hibari, and he didn't look happy.

* * *

"Yo Tsuna!"

Ugh. Tsuna was covered in bandages, broken bones everywhere, and missing a pinky finger. He slowly lifted his head from his desk and saw who called his name. It was Yamamoto who was looking very cheerful.

Gokudera was still in the nurse's office, having gotten the brunt of the damage, mostly because he was the one who littered all over Namimori. Tsuna had gotten punishment only because the hose had drowned some of the cactus that was planted in that yard.

"What is it, Yamamoto-kun?"

"Well, I was wondering... Are you a time-traveller?"

Tsuna shook his head, "No."

"Hahahaha, don't worry Tsuna! Your secret's safe with me!" Yamamoto laughed.

"_Why_ do you think I'm a time-traveller?"

"Well, you changed. You were very quiet and stuff, and then a while ago you suddenly ran to the school in your underwear! You must be dedicated!"

"...What" Dammit Reborn.

"You came here to warn us of a terrible future, right?" The baseball star was looking too eager for his own good.

Gokudera who had now returned from the nurses office, sensed Tsuna's discomfort, "You leave Juudaime alone, Baseball-freak!"

"Hahaha, is that your new friend Tsuna? Is he playing an important role in the future?"

"Yes!" Gokudera drew himself up (it was greatly forced with all those bandages covering him), "I am Juudaime's right-hand man!"

"Are you playing a game then?" Yamamoto asked.

"That guy believes in time-travel, but not in the mafia?!" Gokudera was ranting furiously to nobody in particular.

"Thanks Tsuna! I believe it now!" Yamamoto was laughing as he clapped Tsuna's back, "Wait a sec."

He dashed away.

* * *

Tsuna wondered what it was that Yamamoto did, but judging on the screams outside, he didn't want to know.

"I'm back!" Yamamoto greeted him, a huge grin on his face. "I did it! It worked!"

"What worked?"

"That-" Yamamoto was interrupted as more screams came from the front of the school.

"DON'T JUMP YAMAMOTO!"

Tsuna gave Yamamoto a _look_, which prompted him to continue.

"Hahaha! You should be going on the roof by now..."

"What did you do?"

"I travelled back in time by jumping off the roof!" Yamamoto declared proudly like he just won the Noble Peace prize.

"You what?" Tsuna deadpanned as they headed up the stairs, "Whatever gave you that idea?"

Yamamoto shrugged, "Usually when someone travel back in time, they have to experience a near-death experience first!"

"What if you died?" Tsuna pressed, wondering whether his friend was ever so suicidal.

"I won't," the baseball star decided with confidence (and no evidence to back him up).

"You defy all logic."

"That's awesome, right?"

"...Yes."

They approached the door leading to the roof when Yamamoto stopped, "Go ahead, Tsuna. It wouldn't do if the crowd sees _two_ of me."

"Like they won't panic at all at seeing someone trying to commit suicide," Tsuna muttered, but ran through the doors anyways.

The other Yamamoto was over the railing already, his hands held the sides as he readied to jump. He saw Tsuna heading over and waved.

"Hey, did it work?"

Tsuna nodded reluctantly.

Yamamoto laughed, "I'm so glad," he said.

He let go.

* * *

Tsuna watched calmly as one of his best friends fell to his death.

Yamamoto fell closer to the ground and the Decimo decided that this is definitely the most morale-questioning situation in his life. To save or not to save him...

Instead of going splat on the ground, the Rain Guardian's form shimmered for a moment, then vanished completely. The crowd below didn't know what was going on and stare at the empty space from the roof to the ground where several students were holding trampolines.

"Er... Maybe he changed his mind and went back to class?" one of the kids guessed. Seeing no other rational explainations, the students dispersed and went back to class, mumbling about Yamamoto and pranks.

Future-Yamamoto, now dubbed Present-Yamamoto, came over to Tsuna with a grin.

"See? It worked, didn't it?"

"...I don't want to know," Tsuna sighed.

"JUUDAIME!" A sudden blur of silver hair came within Tsuna's vision, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I THOUGHT SOME ASSASSINS GOT YOU!"

Tsuna stared, a bit freaked (not that he showed it) as Gokudera promptly disappeared.

"Juudaime!" the self-proclaimed right hand man declared, his voice slightly muffled but still hasn't shown himself, "From now on I shall follow you wherever you go to protect you!"

"Gokudera... Where are you?"

The Storm Guardian popped out from the lining of Tsuna's jeans, "If you need anything, Juudaime, just ask me!"

That wasn't physically possible. Tsuna sweatdropped as Gokudera vanished again. He was _positive_ there wasn't a hiding place large enough..!

"Hmmm, they're pretty interesting," Reborn commented as he came over in a trampoline costume.

"Whatever," Tsuna sighed, "When I wake up this is all going to be a dream. I will go to school and act like nothing has happened - my tutor isn't a baby, Yamamoto can't defy the logics of time and space, and Gokudera hadn't just gotten into my pants."

The Sun Acrobaleno smirked, "If this is enough to rattle you, then you need more training.

Tsuna didn't react, but a tear came out of the corner of his eyes.

* * *

"We're here, Mukuro-nii!" Chrome said happily, "This is Japan!"

"Kufufu... This is incredibly different from Italy," Mukuro commented, "Let's enroll in Kokuyo."

"What!" Chrome exclaimed, "I want to be in Namimori!"

"Kokuyo has the best uniforms!"

"You have no fashion sense, Mr. Blue-hair!"

"My hair color's natural, skull-fetish brat!"

"Namimori has the best education!"

"I don't care about education! We came here to investigate the Vongola!"

"At least I want to make up for the things I missed, instead of someone who knew everything from his previous lives!"

"That's the reason why I don't need education!"

"But I do, you self-centered-"

"Chrome, Mukuro," Lancia interrupted them, "How about Mukuro going to Kokuyo and Chrome to Namimori?"

The illusionist pair fell silent, shocked at the simple solution their guardian had laid out.

"This is... acceptable," Mukuro said, trying to maintain dignity.

"Yes!" Chrome cheered.

* * *

He was satisfied.

Even though he had not met Sawada-san today, he had helped many other people to the EXTREME road of EXTREME happiness!

Ryouhei was not deterred by the fact that his goal was not reached (to befriend Sawada-san), he still had an enjoyable day. Now, what was stopping Ryouhei's friendly advances was the looks Tsuna was casting at Kyoko. Being the protective big brother, Ryouhei couldn't exactly approve of the crush.

So... He spend the day looking for another match to pair Sawada-san with instead!

And that was how Haru met Tsuna.

* * *

The plane was descending, he could almost see through the thick clouds and on the land of Japan.

Lambo took a lemonade out of his afro and slurped it noisily, ignoring the disgusted looks others were casting at him. Hey, he's a child after all, he could do anything he wants and the adults can't do anything to him!

So he devised a plan to harass the other passengers as much as possible, just to pass the time.

Mmm... Life is so sweet.

* * *

**There you go! Took me a while but I managed to put this up! I changed the summary and re-wrote this chapter a couple of times before I was satisfied.  
**


	3. Hibari actually spares someone

**Now the introduction of Haru, Ryouhei, and Lambo in Tsuna's life! Sadly, it's still going to take a chapter before Mukuro meets them, but Chrome will be joining Namimori at least!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 3: **Hibari actually spares someone

* * *

Tsuna raised an eyebrow when he found himself in the death-grip of a very persistent Haru. Her grip was like steel and impossible to shake off. She looked at Tsuna, lovestruck at the 'cool and silent type' in front of her.

"Haru loves Tsuna!" Haru declared, and Tsuna wondered whether he should join Yamamoto in one of his Jumps. Maybe jumping off a building would shake off that clingy and persistent female.

Now, due to years without friends and a childhood trauma courtesy of his father, Tsuna really didn't know how to deal with people, thus the natural response for him was not to remove the girl gently and scold her, but to ask Gokudera to help.

That didn't go over well.

Haru had thought Gokudera 'sticking his dynamite in her' was an innuendo, and slapped him hard across the face. Yamamoto had joined them, joking how awesome his 'baseball bat' was. That was also taken wrongly by the incredibly sensitive girl and he was also slapped.

The only ones who seemed to escape Haru's wrath was Tsuna who she had a crush on, and Reborn who didn't do anything and was considered to be too cute.

Ryouhei didn't escape this unscathed as well, on the receiving end of Gokudera's anger of him introducing such a "nutcase" to Juudaime. He was still cheerful because of Haru's attraction to Tsuna meant that Tsuna won't be chasing after Kyoko any time soon.

Reborn smirked, Gokudera was chasing Ryouhei, Yamamoto was holding ice over his cheek but still smiling, Haru was clinging to Tsuna, and Hibari is going to find them like this soon.

Amidst the chaos, Tsuna only sighed.

* * *

Lambo lifted his face hiiiiiigh into the hair on the person next to him... and puked. Apparently he had motion-sickness and all the sugar put into his lemonade (When life gives you lemons, they obviously have a backup plan.) made him sick.

"GET THIS KID AWAY FROM ME!" the passenger screamed in anger, vomit still dripping down from his hair. Lambo coughed and threw up again, this time emptying last night's expensive Italian dinner onto the man's lap.

"I'm sorry sir, but the plane is going to land in a minute. You cannot go to the washroom," the attendant told him sympathetically. The passenger (First class too) sat there, covered in nasty smells and slime, fuming as his first day in Japan was ruined.

Lambo had sat back in his seat and prepared his meeting with the Vongola.

Yesssss... there will be lots and lots of paint.

Grenades too. How could he forget that curtsey?

* * *

Mukuro sulkily created a Namimori uniform for Chrome, obviously not happy that she was not attending the same school as him.

Maybe she would reconsider it if he bought her some chocolate? Somehow he doubt it because once Chrome set her mind on something, she will charge determinedly (stubbornly) towards that direction until the problem is solved. It was like prying Garfield off lasagna - not possible.

He happened to like the shade of green the uniforms Kokuyo have. Nice and grassy, the same color of the grass in his dream world (Mukuro specially designed a visitor's room in his mind to welcome any intruders in. It was funny as hell to see people paranoid about the sunshine and daisies that are not supposed to be in a mind of someone like _Mukuro_...)

Oh well, perhaps Chrome would find the Vongola on her own - she's going to the same school as them after all. That could be advantageous, to have someone to spy on the Decimo.

The illusionist got up from the illusion couch he created and dispelled it (real illusions are so handy), then got up to inform Lancia he's going to school. It was very strange because he had no prior experience in education other than what he learned from his other lives.

But when he got there his eyes twitched. The school looked more like a garbage dump than a school. There was graffiti everywhere, the windows are broken and fogged with dust, the roof was buckling from the weight of all the dirt there was up there, and the _cracks_, for someone as organized as Mukuro, was not a pleasant thing.

"Oya oya oya... seems like I have to fix this place up a bit."

* * *

Hibari frowned as he chewed on a roasted (he will not drip blood on Namimori's roof) leg of some unfortunate student that pissed him off. He could sense something unpleasant in the air, but then again that might be the stinky feet that was still attached to the leg.

Though as a cannibal he loved meat, he did detest dirt or any filth (in that way he's similar to Mukuro, but don't tell him I said that) and the feet was as disgusting as one could be.

Buried in his hair was a little yellow bird he had adopted from an old pedophile that loitered on Namimori's grounds and harassed children. It was safe to say Hibird won't be returning to his old owner any time soon (seeing as his bones are made into extra tonfas in case Hibari ran out).

Hibari don't waste materials - ever. He generally eats everything, the flesh, skin, and blood. The bones are sharpened into cores and then encased in steel for replacement tonfas. The eyeballs were stored in a jar until they stink enough, then he made students in detention clean them as a fitting punishment (this also succeeded to instill fear in every single student in the school, thus making his reputation soar). Teeth are for the spikes on his tonfas, you know, the ones that will erupt out at the press of a button... or if Hibari just squeezed hard enough.

So anyways, Hibari decided that there was _too much crowding_ down below him. He couldn't get a decent nap because the sound of palm hitting flesh echoed through the evacuated school. School was over, what gave the Herbivores the arrogance to disturb the peace?

The sound of a private jet landing notified him of the culprit's arrival. Steel tonfas slid into Hibari's hand as he wondered whether to just bash the plane up with the perpetrator, or wait until they get out so oil won't soil the rooftop of Namimori. He decided on the latter.

A child with a big afro got out, mumbling about transferring from one plane to another. Hibari didn't care, he's just here to beat people up.

The kid with the cow horns freaked when he saw Hibari nearing with murderous intent. His stubby little legs were too slow compared to the fast pace of the prefect, and Hibari was about to strike when-

The kid looked up, tears falling from his huge green eyes liked a kicked little puppy (or a cow. Whatever.). Hibari felt his resolve gave away as he was confronted with a small 'animal', which he had a soft spot for.

A tonfa struck the ground beside Lambo, missing the head narrowly.

"If I ever see you trespassing on Namimori campus..." He growled threateningly. The child gulped and ran away.

Hibari sighed and went back to the spot he was cloud-watching in.

Then sat back up again.

"I feel a murderous intent..."

* * *

The murderous intent was actually Chrome. She found the uniform Mukuro made for her a size too small, and felt all the leers boys gave her on the way to Namimori. She was late, so she couldn't go back to change it! Dammit!

"Mukuro-niisan... When I get home you'll be sorry..." Chrome muttered as she stepped over a boy who was twitching from a knee to the gut.

The school was rumored to be strict, with its Disciplinary Committee punishing anybody that break the rules, and the last time she checked, being on time is one of the rules.

Oops.

She was... 45 minutes late! First period must be nearly finished already! Chrome pondered about what would happen if she skipped school, but then her brother would certainly know and she wouldn't be able to get a fresh start.

Chrome didn't want to go back to the school she came from. There she was a delinquent, never following the rules and getting into trouble seven days per week. She had a problem with authority figures - especially incompetent ones.

But... She didn't have to go back there anymore. There are no more fearful glances from her peers, disgusted looks from her parents, or distainful looks from teachers ignorant to her troubles even though she went to school with bruises on her cheeks. Here was home. Lancia and Mukuro.

Kokuyo reminded her too much of her past. It's not that she didn't want to attend school with Mukuro, but in a place like that, she couldn't attend without building another reputation around herself, the same as before.

Unlike Kokuyo, Namimori was a clean, orderly school. Everything just seemed... Better. The teachers, the students, the quietness and the cleanness around this whole place. There were no dust or grime, and Chrome bet she was the only one lat-

CRASH!

* * *

**Hello again. Look who's here with a chapter... I hope I met your expectations!  
**


	4. Tsuna Leads Mass Suicide

**Sheesh... It's really hard for me to keep Tsuna out of character for some reason. I keep imagining him panicking over every little thing here - which OOC Tsuna would never do... Strange, it's usually keeping people IN character the challenging part.**

**Anyways, it took me a while. I finally got off my lazy seat and start writin'!**

**Sorry if Cannibal!Hibari is too gory. This is a crackfic after all so I'll tone it down a bit.**

**Also, I found an empty notebook that I could jot down all my ideas in! Now I am fully motivated and cackling evilly over the computer screen as I laid out my grand master plan... Watch out for the Future Arc...**

* * *

**Chapter 4: **Tsuna Leads Mass Suicide

* * *

CRASH!

Tsuna's head spun. He landed on the floor quite painfully as he collided with somebody who was also running full-speed towards the school gates.

45 minutes late. Why haven't his alarm clock rang?

Oh. He remembered that yesterday a cow-child with an afro hurled into his room and demolished most of it for no apparent reason. His alarm clock must also be damaged.

The Decimo looked back to the person who he crashed into.

"Hi."

"Hi."

An awkward silence stretched out between them.

"If you excuse me, I have classes to attend." Tsuna said as he stood up and brushed dirt off his pants. Then he remembered the one overprotective self-declared subordinate currently living inside his pants. "Ah, shi-"

"HOW DARE YOU KNOCK JUUDAIME DOWN?!" Gokudera suddenly popped out from the zipper of Tsuna's jeans (Not even God knows what he's doing in there), roaring like a protective puppy. More like a ferocious lion. Or an irritated cat.

Enough with the animal comparisons.

Chrome's eyes bugged out. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I should be asking you the same question!" Gokudera yelled back.

"No. Your precious 'Juudaime' was the one who bumped into me," Chrome narrowed her eyes, "Why don't you have a pinky finger by the way?"

The bomber looked like he was about to explode in fury, but Tsuna took the initiative to end the argument, seeing now he was _fifty_ minutes late from school and Hibari might pop out to bite them to death any second now.

"Sorry," he said, "There is no time for your lovers quarrel. We have to get to class."

He meant to be teasing, but the two of the turned white as a sheet. Why was that? Oh, right. He was Tsuna - he never jokes. Despite meeting for a short five - no, it's seven minutes now - Gokudera and Chrome were instantly at each other's throats.

Seeing both of them still glaring at each corner, Tsuna grabbed their collars and dashed into the school just as Hibari came around the corner.

* * *

Mukuro sweatdropped as he possessed a couple of his classmate to clean the heavily graffiti-ed... every inch of the school. Oh look, there's enough gum in the courtyard to wrap Lancia (who was as tall as a tree) up into a cocoon. Forget the uniforms, it seems like Namimori really is the better place.

Not that his pride would let him admit that, of course.

At least it was not him who's doing all the work. Because one word of this to Chrome and he will never live it down. Maybe he could use his illusions to cover it up or something, then modify everyone's memories so that they'll never remember this rundown trashy place againg.

First stage of his plan - complete. Now he had to target those who are close to the Vongola. His subordinates will do.

Dark laughter rang from the abandoned halls of Kokuyo.

* * *

Lambo trembled in a corner.

Yesterday in his desperation to flee the scary stick-wielding man, he had crashed into a window and into a room. Not knowing if he's safe, he had pulled out a grenade and bombed the place before fleeing. It was a miracle the house was still intact.

But then a bird had tangled in his hair and he lost concentration while jumping out of the window, and now he was back. The stick-wielding man was back.

"Hand it over. Now." Threatening grey eyes stared at the canary it spotted trapped in the bushy mounds of afro.

The infant whimpered as it dug through it's head, tossing about candy wrappers, lolipops, encyclopedias... was that an oven? Nevermind.

Anyways, after ten minutes of searching, Lambo finally found it, tossing the panicked bird towards Hibari. The prefect grunted and walked away, now ignoring the dumbfounded child.

"What's up with him?" Lambo wondered, picking his nose. His fear was now gone with the presence of the man disappearing.

* * *

Hibari was feeling particularly violent right now. He knew he shouldn't have let the Herbivore live. The next time he sees that boy, he will be having beef stew... with extra flavoring you'd probably don't want to know about. I know I said I would tone the gory things down a bit.

"Hibari! Hibari!" Said prefect gave a nod of acknowledgement as he sped towards the school yard. It was a close call; the cow-like Herbivore's hair looked like a bottomless pit. He had almost lost his precious Hibird down there. He had seen it envelope Hibird, almost like it was swallowing the poor canary alive.

Yes... He'll have some Beef-flavored ramen to look forward to tonight. Of course, the _ramen_ will be provided by the package. Hibari cannot cook, and if some bloke had gone insane enough to let him try anything more challenging than roasting meat over a fire, then they will get the second coming of the Poison scorpion. Perhaps with more potential than the last.

Then, up ahead he spotted them: the Herbivores that are always late to class. They have a lot of nerve, being fifty-two minutes. He will bite them to death!

WHAM.

* * *

A part of Tsuna wanted to scream so badly that his brain hurts, but no, he was too busy staring in horror (making Tsuna horrified is not an easy feat. Chrome may now pat herself on the back,) at the door.

Just before Hibari could close in on them, Chrome had slammed the door shut so quickly that it smashed into Hibari's head, knocking the boy out cold.

He began to walk briskly away from the scene of crime, whipping out a piece of paper from his pocket.

"Juudaime! Our class is the other way!" Gokudera called out.

"Where are you going?" Chrome asked curiously.

"Away."

"Elaborate."

Tsuna looked down, "I heard Hawaii is a nice place this time of the year. Now, do you want me to add anything to your wills...?"

* * *

Yamamoto was humming happily when he spotted Tsuna, Gokudera and an unfamiliar girl race down the hallway.

"Hey Tsuna!" he called out.

"Yamamoto?"

"Are we playing tag?"

"No," Chrome panted, "We're going to Hawaii."

"Hahaha, cool," Yamamoto laughed. "Purple-hair-san, are you an FBI agent sent here as Tsuna's bodyguard?"

"NO!" Gokudera protested, "I will be the one who protects Juudaime's body!"

Silence.

Yamamoto laughed again, Tsuna averted his gaze and kept running, and Chrome face-palmed.

"So why are we running?" the baseball-star asked again.

Tsuna quickly explained the situation and Yamamoto nodded.

"So if Hibari dies and becomes a zombie, he'll never reach us in Hawaii. Right?"

"He's not dead," Chrome snapped, "And he'll be pissed when he wakes up. That's why we need to go _now!_"

"Pissed?" Yamamoto blinked, "Then he should go find a bathroom."

Gokudera suddenly screamed in frustration, both at the absurdness of his companions and at their current predicament "How big is this stupid school?!" he exclaimed.

"We're almost out," Tsuna said, "After we pass the stairs to the roof, there's an emergency exit right to the left."

"Emergency exit..." Yamamoto murmured. "Tsuna! I've got it!"

"What?"

"If we travel through time and prevent this from happening, then Hibari won't want to piss on us anymore!"

"Idiot!" Gokudera shouted, "Hibari doesn't want to do that! And nobody can travel through time! According to the laws of-"

"Gokudera," Tsuna interrupted, "I've seen it. Yamamoto traveled back in in time before in front of me. I even spoke to his future self."

The bomber quieted. If his boss said so, then he must be right! He shouldn't doubt Juudaime!

"Forgive me for doubting the stupid baseball-nut, Juudaime!" he said as they ran up the stairs together.

"It's alright."

Chrome watched the trio with a bemused look. She had deducted the words, 'Juudaime' - meaning 'Tenth' - for the scrawny little boy with a missing pinky finger to be the elusive Vongola Decimo. Hers and Mukuro-nii's enemy. She had not expected mafia men to be so... normal.

This must be an act, she decided. They are not really going to jump off he roof. Maybe they're luring her up there to get rid of her because she knocked their boss down, and they're keeping her confused to get her off guard. Well, she's not going to get fooled!

The roof was spacious and empty. Tsuna eyed the far ground with an apprehensive eye. What if it only worked with Yamamoto? Then they would be pancake, and Tsuna would become the most pathetic mafia boss in pathetic mafia boss history (privet joke here). Reborn will laugh at him, the Nono will laugh at him, he will never see his father again if he didn't stop waiting.

"Ready?"

Deep breath.

"Set?"

In...Out...In...Out.

He wasn't jumping to his death, he wasn't leading a mass suicide, he was not trying to do all of this just because he accidentally angered one of the most violent cannibal he knew and who he lost his pinky finger to, he was not about to die...

Fuck, who was he kidding?

"GO!"

They all jumped, leaving screams behind in the wind.

* * *

**Whoops, I forgot to include Ryouhei. Ah well, he'll be in the next chapter. I typed this out in one day you know! I dunno where this sudden burst of inspiration came from, but I'm not going to waste it.  
**

**I'm not sure if there's enough craziness here to match the previous chapters. It's mostly dialogue, and the part I wanted to write the most is next chapter. I want this fic to be packed to the brim with insanity, and crack. Lots of crack. Enough to make dozens of fireworks.**

**Next time, Mukuro shall appear! Muahahahahaha! His...er (not really friendly)relationship with Hibari will be much different than canon. You'll see... (dramatic music in the background)  
**


End file.
